Rules For Placing a Classified Ad for an Apartment

As you may or may not know, I am on the hunt for a new apartment, since my current roommate/landlord decided to go to Africa/Malta, and rent the place out. This isn’t the first time I’ve been through the Spanish-apartment-hunting process, but it does have its adventures…

1. If you are advertising a room for rent, you should…actually have…a room…for rent. It sounds obvious, but MORE THAN ONCE, I’ve called the number in an ad just to have the person say, “Flat? What flat? I have no idea what you’re talking about!” And yes, it was the RIGHT NUMBER.

2. This is closely related to #1. If you are advertising a room for rent, you should notify your flatmates. Especially if you put their phone number in the ad.

3. “Hot water” does not count as an amenity. If this is all your flat has to offer, you might as well add “windows” and “doors,” or maybe “intact walls.”

4. If you are renting a room in your flat, you should know the address. Again, this seems ridiculous, but again, MORE THAN ONCE, I have been given the WRONG ADDRESS by a potential flatmate.

5. If you are renting a room in your flat, you should know the price. Many times I have called the phone number in an ad just to have the person say, “Uhh…well…you should probably talk to SoAndSo Flatmate about that…but he/she/it’s not here and I have no idea when he/she/it will be back…so….uhhh…”

6. If you provide a cell phone number as the contact information in your ad, it should be active and in service. I won’t go into detail about the number of “this number does not exist” messages I’ve gotten.

7. If you provide an email address as the contact information in your ad, it should a) exist, and b) you should actually, at some point, look at and/or respond to said email messages. Just a suggestion.

8. On the same note as #7, another suggestion: if your email address is something like iliketokillpeopleandeattheirbrains@assassins.com, maybe you should avoid using it as contact information.

9. In any ad, the words “buen rollo” (“good vibes,” more or less, meaning “we want a good social atmosphere in our apartment”), can be translated as “heavy drug-trafficking and illegal activity.”

10. And finally, if you speak to a potential flatmate on the phone and make an appointment to let the person come and see your flat, you should a) actually be there, and b) answer the doorbell. Once again, this has happened to me MORE THAN ONCE.

Ah, the joys! Spain is different!

glimpses

I am sitting in my favorite cafe, watching a couple at a table near the window. They appear to be foreign, maybe German, though I cannot hear them speak and have no real reason for assuming anything about them at all. They order large cups of coffee and unwrap secret pastries which they have bought at the bakery around the corner, although generally, eating food from another establishment is frowned upon here, regardless of whether or not said establishment offers the same kind of food. The man has an apple tart – I can tell because they are Carlos’ favorite and sometimes I stop on the way to his house and bring him one as a surprise. The man pulls out a bag with several guidebooks (now I’m sure they’re foreigners but I can’t tell what language the books are in), including a book about Isabel La Catolica, the woman who was the queen of Spain when Columbus made his fateful voyage to the New World.

Farther away and across the street, two gitanos (gypsies), a man and a woman, are peering into a garbage dumpster and raking at it with a cane. They are fat; the woman seems much older than the man. Maybe he is her son. They are both dirty, and the man’s worn gray sweatpants are ripping at the seams in the back. She has long gray hair and her ankles are swollen. There is a small child in a stroller with dirty plastic bags strung about the handles.

The lid of the dumpster is propped up with a wooden crate, and they fish out half-empty cartons of juice and a box that may contain a trace of milk. They are obviously professionals; they work rapidly and seem to know what they’re looking for. They’ve clearly done this before.

Above them, a young man and woman sit at a table beside a window, chatting casually. The man leans out of the window and spits, smiling to himself as the splat hits the sidewalk, thankfully missing the numerous passersby. He catches a glimpse of the pair in the dumpster and says something, probably snide, to his friend, who also looks out of the window and laughs. A man who works at a nearby bakery comes out with a bag full of trash, and excuses himself as he interrupts the gypsies’ search and throws the bag into the dumpster. His wipes his hands on his apron and goes back inside.