the craziest show on Earth

Rules for Living in Berlin:

1. If you don’t bring an umbrella, it will rain.

2. If you do bring an umbrella, it will be warm and sunny.

3. If you’re not sure whether to bring an umbrella, it will probably rain, then snow, then a hurricane will pass through, and then it will become as warm as a Caribbean island.

4. If you pay for a transport ticket, you probably won’t get to use it to its full value, and no one will ever check it.

5. The one time you don’t have a transport ticket, you will get nailed with a 40-euro fine.

6. You will trip at least 7 times a day, even when there is nothing especially treacherous in your path.

7. When you would like to sleep/sleep in/take a nap, there will be one of the following outside the window:
– children
– screaming children
– crying children
– garbage men
– garbage trucks
– church bells
– loud motorcycles
– any combination of the above

8. When you are running late, so is the tram. And the metro. And the buses.

9. It is impossible to cross a busy street in one stoplight. They are programmed so that one will only be able to cross half the street before they turn red, therefore delaying your already-late self by another 1.3 minutes.

10. Whatever you order in a restaurant or bar, it will not be what you think it is, no matter how well you think you understand the menu in German. Or English.

11. If you want to live in Berlin, it helps if you:
– are a hippie
– are a Buddhist
– are gay
– describe yourself as “alternative” (whatever that may imply)
– are a punk
– are wanted in a foreign country
– eat only wheat grass, soy, and sunlight, or whatever vegetarians subsist on
– have a strange hairdo, such as mohawk, mullet, or the Berlin-patented mohawk-mullet
– have a moustache
– are crazy
– any combination of the above

12. Do not be surprised to see a man in a 15th-century Renaissance-style coat and ribbon-adorned hat, or a coat that looks like it came out of the American Revolution, or a yellow shoes+pink tights+green skirt+blue shirt ensemble (yes, even the men), or leather anything. Also do not be surprised to see people who bear a strong resemblance to: Janis Joplin, any of the Beatles, or Salvador Dali.

In short…expect the unexpected.


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